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Wishin' On a Star (originally posted on My Life's Soundtrack January 29, edited for the clean version)

"I'm wishin on a star
To follow where you are
I'm wishin on a dream
To follow what it means

And I wish on all the rainbows
That I see
And I wish on all the people who
Really dream
And I'm wishin on tomorrow, pray
It'll come
And I'm wishin on all the lovin
We've ever done..." (Rose Royce, "Wishing On A Star")

Every morning, while waiting for the bus, my son becomes somewhat of a philosopher. Asking a lot of 'what if...' questions, trying to imagine a future based on choices that we could make or on abilities that we can gain. There is a lot going on in that 5 year old head of his, and even when I don't tell him what's going on, he is always able to discern when I am truly happy or when I'm sad and smiling through the pain.

One morning, while I was in the midst of depression, he said, "Mommy, I wish we could make magic. Then you would be soooo happy!"

I smiled, thinking of what I'd do to the men who made the mistake of getting on my bad side.

*sigh*

"No, David, I don't think that would be such a good idea."

Yesterday, it was:

"Mommy, you need to get married."

"Why, David? What do I need a husband for?"

He smiled, a hint of sadness behind his eyes showed.

"Hugs, Mommy, and kisses."

What could he possibly know about a woman's need for affection? Seriously, how does he know that kissing him and his sisters is different from kissing a man? I suppose observing the differences between the way that I am affectionate with them, and the way I'm affectionate with men shows a difference in dynamics. Still, it is interesting to me that he should be able to separate, at his age, the difference between familial love and the love between a couple.

In any event, I didn't want to think of such things. I told myself I would stop wishing and focus on what is, the tasks at hand, my life as it is.

"OK, David, but what does that have to do with anything? I can kiss and hug anyone."

"Yeah, but love, Mommy. You need love."

He smiled again. That sad, exasperated smile that he gets when I just don't understand.

"And somebody needs a daddy."

These are the difficult moments in my life as a single woman. I mean, on the one hand, I love the freedom. Seriously. I can do what I wish, with the limitation of course that I cannot purposely hurt others. Be with whomever I please, and not have to answer to any of them. I can be the biggest player in town, or sit back and enjoy divine solitude. As long as I take care of my little ones and other responsibilities, my time is my own.

But conversations like this one really remind me that I am not just a single woman, I am a single mother. I cannot help wondering if perhaps I was unduly selfish in deciding to have children without being married. I love my children dearly, don't get me wrong. But when these questions come up, I begin to doubt my ability to give them all that they need.

This morning, we were outside once more. Freezing our butts off waiting for the bus when David saw the fluffy white head of a dandelion stalk sticking up from the ground. He picked it up, and held it up to me--his eyes shining.

"Mommy, look, make a wish!"

"And I'm wishin on all the rainbows
That I see
And I'm wishin on all the people we've
Ever been
And I'm hopin on all the days to come
And days to go
And I'm hopin on days of lovin you so."

Wishing. I try so hard not to do that these days. I mean, I can plan and I can meditate and I can make things happen. But wishin means that you want something that God did not plan for you to have. Honestly, if it's that far out of reach, and no matter how often you beg, the answer is still 'no', wishing can only lead to discontentment and unhappiness.

Still, I don't want to disappoint him. I look into his eyes, see his big smile that looks so much like mine, and I blow as hard as I can watching little dandelion seeds float away in the wind.

A few of them still hang on to the stalk.

"Do you think it's good for one more wish?" I ask.

"Yes, of course. I'm gonna wish for CAKE!"

The rest of the seeds float away into the distance.

Posted by Ekklektia at 8:23 AM 0 comments

Shamir

(I first posted this piece in a private group on Blackplanet.)

Shamir...
Your name immortalized in song
My heart sings to you
I long to
Feel what I did when you were near me
Calling your name now,
Love, do you hear me

Shamir
I see your eyes
Staring at my soul like my skin's
Not there
See heaven and hell in your stare
Everyday you brought me there
Shamir

My life was crazy with you
Going insane without you
Nightly visions I dream I'm inside you
Waging war inside you

Shamir
The Immortal
In your soul burned eternal fire
Hot like my desire
For you, 'I was consumed and
I swear I didn' care
Shamir, my love,
You were leading me to hell

Then you left me
In the middle of the road
Knowing that my very soul
I would have sold
Just to hear you call my name once more
To feel your breath brush my ear once more...

Shamir, my love
I cry for you
And I know you do not love me
The thickness of your lust has consumed me
Till nothing of me is left
But this intense desire
And this song my heart sings

Shamir....

Shine Forth

Evening finds me deep in the valley
Enveloped in the darkness
I sing and my voice
Becomes the light
I am my voice
I Am light
And the darkness
Comprehended it not.

Word wrapped in flesh I am
Love is light personified
I Am love and love is all
God is Love and Love is all
I Am God and God is Love
And Love is all
I Am All

I am meditating in the depths of the valley
Allowing spirit winds to pass
Over around through me
I breathe in life
Life breathes in me
Breath becomes a vehicle
Transports me ever upward

Elevated above all troubles
My voice shines forth
I then stand still and know
That I Am
The essence of beauty
The essence of life
Light personified and
I am good.

I sit at the foot of the Holy Mountain
Drink cleansing water from the
River flowing down
I am the river
I am the mountain
I am love and love is all
I Am All.

Shining forth in the realization
That I Am Divine
I light my own pathway to walk through
Knowing that I have all that I need
Because I AM All that I need.

And the darkness
Comprehended it not.

I Believe In Me

"I believe in ... me. Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves “who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?” Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do... we were born to make manifest the Glory of God that is within us. And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."(Attributed to Nelson Mandela)

I was thinking about something that a friend of mine said as I was writing in my other blog. He basically told me that I'm a very good writer, but not using my social networks to their full advantage to promote my work. He asked me why none of his friends know about my blog, and told me that he and T should not be the only ones with access to my best stuff.

To be honest, he's right. I mean, I've publicized everyone else's work. I got a pic in one of my BP groups that is a testament to my promotional skills. It's of this fellow poet reading a book that I recommended.

Yet there are no pics of folks reading a book that I wrote, and I did write one.

Honestly, I was looking at my first book and realized that the reason I don't promote it more heavily is because I really don't like it. I mean, I'm a pretty good poet. That I know. Yet, some of the poems I put in there quite frankly, I don't like. I have half a mind to unpublish it, but I won't do that. Instead, I'll make the next one a better effort. I know that one day, I'll be very well known for my writing, and that first book will be worth more than the $10.00 it's selling for on the I-proclaim website.

In any event, I think that my few faithful current readers deserve to know what I'm up to these days.

• While I don't plan to make the other Soundtrack blog public again, I am going to use some of the themes--love, life, loss, moving on, etc.--in my first published novel. I had said I'd put out something else first, but decided to finish my love story--Banana Moon--instead. I will not publish this one with I-proclaim. What i will do instead is send it to a few better known companies and if it gets rejected, I'll probably trash it.
• I am working on several speculative fiction works, including one I wrote several years ago called Children of a Lesser Light. (That one is about a black vampire cult.) I am also working on one called Before the Beginning about the concept of soul ties.
• I will get back in the studio. Probably won't try doing rap again, but I will record some of my better poetry. And I'll let folks know when I do.

So, that's the game plan. I know that with my wild imagination, and natural talents, I will go far. Because I believe in me, I will stop hiding behind shyness and self doubt, and start behaving as though I know that I can succeed.

I Am A Soul

I am not my hair, I am not this skin...



I am a Soul that lives within!

Now Everywhere Is War!

"For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places." (Ephesians 6:12)

From the sayings of Emperor Haile Selassie I (Jah Rastafari):
Last May, in Addis Ababa, I convened a meeting of Heads of African States and Governments. In three days, the thirty-two nations represented at that Conference demonstrated to the world that when the will and the determination exist, nations and peoples of diverse backgrounds can and will work together. In unity, to the achievement of common goals and the assurance of that equality and brotherhood which we desire.On the question of racial discrimination, the Addis Abba Conference taught, to those who will learn, this further lesson:
That until the philosophy which holds one race superior and another inferior is finally and permanently discredited and abandoned; That until there are no longer first-class and second class citizens of any nation; That until the color of a man's skin is of no more significance than the color of his eyes; That until the basic human rights are equally guaranteed to all without regard to race; That until that day, the dream of lasting peace and world citizenship and the rule of international morality will remain but a fleeting illusion, to be pursued but never attained; And until the ignoble and unhappy regimes that hold our brothers in Angola, in Mozambique and in South Africa in subhuman bondage have been toppled and destroyed; Until bigotry and prejudice and malicious and inhuman self-interest have been replaced by understanding and tolerance and good-will; Until all Africans stand and speak as free beings, equal in the eyes of all men, as they are in the eyes of Heaven; Until that day, the African continent will not know peace. We Africans will fight, if necessary, and we know that we shall win, as we are confident in the victory of good over evil. – Haile Selassie I

It is not good enough to fight racism, sexism, ageism. It is the attitude that certain groups of people are better than others that we must war against. In my time joining and participating in movements for black liberation, palestinian liberation, women's liberation--I've realized that it is the mentality of the people that must be liberated in order to experience true freedom.

It is an attitude--a spirit if you will--that seeks to destroy the very ones it exalts. Because we need each other to survive on this planet, the philosophy that holds white people superior to black, and men superior to women, eats away at us every day. Our people are dying every day at the hands of crooked police officers, at the frontlines of conflicts that we shouldn't even be in, on the streets chasin' paper because skin color has excluded them from gainful employment in some areas. And the anger that dwells within has bubbled over. We're attacking each other, those who don't look like us, and anyone else we feel responsible for the condition of the world today instead of the real culprit.

It is attitude that is the enemy, not our fellow people. It is the attitude that has for so long kept them in power, and us out of power, that needs to change before conditions can change.

It is the attitude that any human being can own another human being that needs to change. Marriage and dating should not equal female enslavement. Your children are not your punching bag.

We wrestle against this attitude every day, lest we all perish.



We must learn to live, and allow others to live. This is fundamental to our existence as people. No one person or group of people is better than any other. Noone deserves to be enslaved, abused, ostracized or excluded.

I've been meditating on this for a while now. I talked to a friend about the purpose of war, and the need for nations to survive.

It is my core belief that all have the right to exist and to thrive, but not at the expense of others. I don't think that the Israelis have any right to occupy Palestine. I think that when the British and American governments came up with that brilliant idea, they should have come up with some money to pay for the land they were taking away.

That's what I think.

I don't think we should be occupying Iraq. We've already overthrown Saddam and thrown them further into chaos.

But I have mixed feelings about the principles that the U.S. claims to be bringing them. Democracy is a good thing, letting the people rule rather than a dictator. They can treat their women better despite the prevalence of Islam in their culture as well.

That's what I think.

In every situation, people have so many things to say but noone wants to listen to anyone else. So we move forward in ignorance, acting out of our assumptions rather than examining all the facts. We move forward in fear, the natural progeny of ignorance, killing and destroying others because we don't know who they are but fear their ill-intentions.

Clutching our purses when a young brother approaches, moving to the other side of the street if he reaches out his hand...

Only to trip on our shoestrings halfway across because he was only trying to say, 'Sis, tie your shoe.'

Looking suspiciously at the Arab on the plane, sneering at the Mexican working at the factory. Who made us better than they? Who made us the judges?



One Creator created ALL. One is higher than you or I. Only one has the right to give or take life. To cause to exist, or to not exist.

We can say what we want, but until there is justice for all, there will be peace for none.

I'm Ready

"Wanna wake up, know where I'm goin', I'm ready, I'm ready
Wanna go where the rivers are overflowin, I'm ready..."




After 8 up and down years, of love and loss, relationships that didn't last,abuse, neglect, disrespect--I think I'm ready to move on. Eight years of not getting it right. Struggling, rather than doing right in the first place. Eight years of drama--and most of it not even on stage. How'd I let it get so crazy?

"I'm ready to let the rivers wash over me..."

I'm ready, to take his hand and let him lead me out of this present darkness. I am. I've made the decision to let the previous life be the nightmare/comedy/tragedy whatever it's been and move forward.

I AM NOT AFRAID.

For once in my life, this change doesn't scare me. For once, letting go of the people and events that have caused me pain won't feel like an amputation.

I think I was starting to get addicted to the drama. Why else would I have let people who continuously hurt me stay in my life, and push away those who've been good?

Why else would I let folks get in my head and make me feel like less of a woman?

Why else would Zee, Adrian, Leon, and Will ever have happened?

I'm ready to make a clean start. I mean it. That doesn't mean that all my friends and former lovers are on the cut-off list. It does mean that I'm evaluating some of my present and past relationships, and those that are onesided will have to change.

I mean it.

I'm ready to start all over. I know that there will be misunderstandings, breakdowns in communication, growing pains. I know that to live means to grow, and to grow means to change and sometimes change is uncomfortable.

I can't wear the same pants at 5'4" that I did at 4'5", now can I?

And I can't make the same mistakes in '09 that I did in '08, now can I?


As Aries approaches, I can feel the fire burning away the edges of my foolish existence, and I welcome it. Once the fire burns away that which is not needed, that which is left will shine forth like pure gold.

I'm ready.

I will go to the river, dip my feet into the cool water, and let what is left of the shame, guilt, and misery be washed away.

I'm ready.

Can you step out on faith with me? Can you, too, say that you are ready?

I'm ready to let the rivers wash over me...

Why Another Blog, You Ask?

Yeah, I know what you must be thinking.  Her crazy ass must have a blog for each of her split personalities.

Uh huh, didn't know I could read minds, did ya?

Seriously, though, I call this one the 'clean version' because I'm starting it with a clean slate.  The past is the past.  Any thoughts about it will be written elsewhere.  This one is all about the present (truly a gift), and the bright future that lies ahead if I can just make it through one more day.

I'm not going to lose the other blog though.  I mean, that drama can be used, I think.  I'm gonna turn it into a novel.  LOL. But don't worry, names and events will be changed to protect both the innocent, and the guilty.

As always, it's all me.  I'm still committed to being honest about thoughts, feelings, and events.  This is just me moving forward instead of being stuck.  

Enjoy!