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Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Wishin' On a Star (originally posted on My Life's Soundtrack January 29, edited for the clean version)
"I'm wishin on a star
To follow where you are
I'm wishin on a dream
To follow what it means
And I wish on all the rainbows
That I see
And I wish on all the people who
Really dream
And I'm wishin on tomorrow, pray
It'll come
And I'm wishin on all the lovin
We've ever done..." (Rose Royce, "Wishing On A Star")
Every morning, while waiting for the bus, my son becomes somewhat of a philosopher. Asking a lot of 'what if...' questions, trying to imagine a future based on choices that we could make or on abilities that we can gain. There is a lot going on in that 5 year old head of his, and even when I don't tell him what's going on, he is always able to discern when I am truly happy or when I'm sad and smiling through the pain.
One morning, while I was in the midst of depression, he said, "Mommy, I wish we could make magic. Then you would be soooo happy!"
I smiled, thinking of what I'd do to the men who made the mistake of getting on my bad side.
*sigh*
"No, David, I don't think that would be such a good idea."
Yesterday, it was:
"Mommy, you need to get married."
"Why, David? What do I need a husband for?"
He smiled, a hint of sadness behind his eyes showed.
"Hugs, Mommy, and kisses."
What could he possibly know about a woman's need for affection? Seriously, how does he know that kissing him and his sisters is different from kissing a man? I suppose observing the differences between the way that I am affectionate with them, and the way I'm affectionate with men shows a difference in dynamics. Still, it is interesting to me that he should be able to separate, at his age, the difference between familial love and the love between a couple.
In any event, I didn't want to think of such things. I told myself I would stop wishing and focus on what is, the tasks at hand, my life as it is.
"OK, David, but what does that have to do with anything? I can kiss and hug anyone."
"Yeah, but love, Mommy. You need love."
He smiled again. That sad, exasperated smile that he gets when I just don't understand.
"And somebody needs a daddy."
These are the difficult moments in my life as a single woman. I mean, on the one hand, I love the freedom. Seriously. I can do what I wish, with the limitation of course that I cannot purposely hurt others. Be with whomever I please, and not have to answer to any of them. I can be the biggest player in town, or sit back and enjoy divine solitude. As long as I take care of my little ones and other responsibilities, my time is my own.
But conversations like this one really remind me that I am not just a single woman, I am a single mother. I cannot help wondering if perhaps I was unduly selfish in deciding to have children without being married. I love my children dearly, don't get me wrong. But when these questions come up, I begin to doubt my ability to give them all that they need.
This morning, we were outside once more. Freezing our butts off waiting for the bus when David saw the fluffy white head of a dandelion stalk sticking up from the ground. He picked it up, and held it up to me--his eyes shining.
"Mommy, look, make a wish!"
"And I'm wishin on all the rainbows
That I see
And I'm wishin on all the people we've
Ever been
And I'm hopin on all the days to come
And days to go
And I'm hopin on days of lovin you so."
Wishing. I try so hard not to do that these days. I mean, I can plan and I can meditate and I can make things happen. But wishin means that you want something that God did not plan for you to have. Honestly, if it's that far out of reach, and no matter how often you beg, the answer is still 'no', wishing can only lead to discontentment and unhappiness.
Still, I don't want to disappoint him. I look into his eyes, see his big smile that looks so much like mine, and I blow as hard as I can watching little dandelion seeds float away in the wind.
A few of them still hang on to the stalk.
"Do you think it's good for one more wish?" I ask.
"Yes, of course. I'm gonna wish for CAKE!"
The rest of the seeds float away into the distance.
Posted by Ekklektia at 8:23 AM 0 comments
To follow where you are
I'm wishin on a dream
To follow what it means
And I wish on all the rainbows
That I see
And I wish on all the people who
Really dream
And I'm wishin on tomorrow, pray
It'll come
And I'm wishin on all the lovin
We've ever done..." (Rose Royce, "Wishing On A Star")
Every morning, while waiting for the bus, my son becomes somewhat of a philosopher. Asking a lot of 'what if...' questions, trying to imagine a future based on choices that we could make or on abilities that we can gain. There is a lot going on in that 5 year old head of his, and even when I don't tell him what's going on, he is always able to discern when I am truly happy or when I'm sad and smiling through the pain.
One morning, while I was in the midst of depression, he said, "Mommy, I wish we could make magic. Then you would be soooo happy!"
I smiled, thinking of what I'd do to the men who made the mistake of getting on my bad side.
*sigh*
"No, David, I don't think that would be such a good idea."
Yesterday, it was:
"Mommy, you need to get married."
"Why, David? What do I need a husband for?"
He smiled, a hint of sadness behind his eyes showed.
"Hugs, Mommy, and kisses."
What could he possibly know about a woman's need for affection? Seriously, how does he know that kissing him and his sisters is different from kissing a man? I suppose observing the differences between the way that I am affectionate with them, and the way I'm affectionate with men shows a difference in dynamics. Still, it is interesting to me that he should be able to separate, at his age, the difference between familial love and the love between a couple.
In any event, I didn't want to think of such things. I told myself I would stop wishing and focus on what is, the tasks at hand, my life as it is.
"OK, David, but what does that have to do with anything? I can kiss and hug anyone."
"Yeah, but love, Mommy. You need love."
He smiled again. That sad, exasperated smile that he gets when I just don't understand.
"And somebody needs a daddy."
These are the difficult moments in my life as a single woman. I mean, on the one hand, I love the freedom. Seriously. I can do what I wish, with the limitation of course that I cannot purposely hurt others. Be with whomever I please, and not have to answer to any of them. I can be the biggest player in town, or sit back and enjoy divine solitude. As long as I take care of my little ones and other responsibilities, my time is my own.
But conversations like this one really remind me that I am not just a single woman, I am a single mother. I cannot help wondering if perhaps I was unduly selfish in deciding to have children without being married. I love my children dearly, don't get me wrong. But when these questions come up, I begin to doubt my ability to give them all that they need.
This morning, we were outside once more. Freezing our butts off waiting for the bus when David saw the fluffy white head of a dandelion stalk sticking up from the ground. He picked it up, and held it up to me--his eyes shining.
"Mommy, look, make a wish!"
"And I'm wishin on all the rainbows
That I see
And I'm wishin on all the people we've
Ever been
And I'm hopin on all the days to come
And days to go
And I'm hopin on days of lovin you so."
Wishing. I try so hard not to do that these days. I mean, I can plan and I can meditate and I can make things happen. But wishin means that you want something that God did not plan for you to have. Honestly, if it's that far out of reach, and no matter how often you beg, the answer is still 'no', wishing can only lead to discontentment and unhappiness.
Still, I don't want to disappoint him. I look into his eyes, see his big smile that looks so much like mine, and I blow as hard as I can watching little dandelion seeds float away in the wind.
A few of them still hang on to the stalk.
"Do you think it's good for one more wish?" I ask.
"Yes, of course. I'm gonna wish for CAKE!"
The rest of the seeds float away into the distance.
Posted by Ekklektia at 8:23 AM 0 comments
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Shamir
(I first posted this piece in a private group on Blackplanet.)
Shamir...
Your name immortalized in song
My heart sings to you
I long to
Feel what I did when you were near me
Calling your name now,
Love, do you hear me
Shamir
I see your eyes
Staring at my soul like my skin's
Not there
See heaven and hell in your stare
Everyday you brought me there
Shamir
My life was crazy with you
Going insane without you
Nightly visions I dream I'm inside you
Waging war inside you
Shamir
The Immortal
In your soul burned eternal fire
Hot like my desire
For you, 'I was consumed and
I swear I didn' care
Shamir, my love,
You were leading me to hell
Then you left me
In the middle of the road
Knowing that my very soul
I would have sold
Just to hear you call my name once more
To feel your breath brush my ear once more...
Shamir, my love
I cry for you
And I know you do not love me
The thickness of your lust has consumed me
Till nothing of me is left
But this intense desire
And this song my heart sings
Shamir....
Shamir...
Your name immortalized in song
My heart sings to you
I long to
Feel what I did when you were near me
Calling your name now,
Love, do you hear me
Shamir
I see your eyes
Staring at my soul like my skin's
Not there
See heaven and hell in your stare
Everyday you brought me there
Shamir
My life was crazy with you
Going insane without you
Nightly visions I dream I'm inside you
Waging war inside you
Shamir
The Immortal
In your soul burned eternal fire
Hot like my desire
For you, 'I was consumed and
I swear I didn' care
Shamir, my love,
You were leading me to hell
Then you left me
In the middle of the road
Knowing that my very soul
I would have sold
Just to hear you call my name once more
To feel your breath brush my ear once more...
Shamir, my love
I cry for you
And I know you do not love me
The thickness of your lust has consumed me
Till nothing of me is left
But this intense desire
And this song my heart sings
Shamir....
Shine Forth
Evening finds me deep in the valley
Enveloped in the darkness
I sing and my voice
Becomes the light
I am my voice
I Am light
And the darkness
Comprehended it not.
Word wrapped in flesh I am
Love is light personified
I Am love and love is all
God is Love and Love is all
I Am God and God is Love
And Love is all
I Am All
I am meditating in the depths of the valley
Allowing spirit winds to pass
Over around through me
I breathe in life
Life breathes in me
Breath becomes a vehicle
Transports me ever upward
Elevated above all troubles
My voice shines forth
I then stand still and know
That I Am
The essence of beauty
The essence of life
Light personified and
I am good.
I sit at the foot of the Holy Mountain
Drink cleansing water from the
River flowing down
I am the river
I am the mountain
I am love and love is all
I Am All.
Shining forth in the realization
That I Am Divine
I light my own pathway to walk through
Knowing that I have all that I need
Because I AM All that I need.
And the darkness
Comprehended it not.
Enveloped in the darkness
I sing and my voice
Becomes the light
I am my voice
I Am light
And the darkness
Comprehended it not.
Word wrapped in flesh I am
Love is light personified
I Am love and love is all
God is Love and Love is all
I Am God and God is Love
And Love is all
I Am All
I am meditating in the depths of the valley
Allowing spirit winds to pass
Over around through me
I breathe in life
Life breathes in me
Breath becomes a vehicle
Transports me ever upward
Elevated above all troubles
My voice shines forth
I then stand still and know
That I Am
The essence of beauty
The essence of life
Light personified and
I am good.
I sit at the foot of the Holy Mountain
Drink cleansing water from the
River flowing down
I am the river
I am the mountain
I am love and love is all
I Am All.
Shining forth in the realization
That I Am Divine
I light my own pathway to walk through
Knowing that I have all that I need
Because I AM All that I need.
And the darkness
Comprehended it not.
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