"Remember all the sweet things you used to say to me, (B*tch hoe, B*tch go)..."Steppin' Stone by Cherokee
I always promise that I will write in this space more often, then I never do so I will quit making that promise as of now. But I was sitting at my desk, typing up notes to send to my supervisor concerning the drug rehab group sessions that I've been conducting, when it occurred to me that I have truly come a long way from the person I was 11 years ago.
11 years ago, I was in a relationship that changed the course of my life and the way that I've thought about myself since. While I have tried to shut out his voice and move forward in spite of, and I must say I have done a pretty good job, the truth remains that his voice remains all too audible in the back of my mind whenever I try to branch out and do something different. For a long time, while not consciously acknowledging that fact, I have wondered why that is.
Today, while conducting a session on the parental relationship and how it shapes the relationship with God, it finally hit me: his voice sounded like God to me. That is not to say that I thought of him as a God,or that I ever acknowledged him as such. Only that when you place someone or something above yourself on a spiritual level, that places the person closer to God in your own mind. That is why I caution parents that until children reach a certain age, they are the only example of God that children have and that they need to be wise in the use of this influence.
Once it occurred to me that in my own mind, he was closer to God than I was, I had to sort through the manipulation that had led to this way of thinking. How did I come to believe lies that I knew to be lies, or to accept as truth what I have been so easily able to disprove? How in the world had I allowed a man to so skew both my self-concept and my concept of God that at 34 years old, I still hear his voice in my head saying "You know you are no good at this, it is destined to fail because secretly you do not know what you are doing"?
The truth is that it was not he who had skewed my self concept. At the time when we were together, my perception of who I was was already so mixed up that what he told me was merely confirmation of what I already felt. I had dropped out of college where I was studying theology when I found myself pregnant with my first child. So when he told me that I would never be a minister or a good wife because I was female and a whore, I accepted that as the truth that I already knew. I did not go back to school at 23 like I wanted to so that I could pursue a degree in counseling or psychology, so when he told me that I could not be a counselor because I had never experienced the issues that most people have, it no longer mattered that I could very well have gone back to school and simply earned the degree that would give me the necessary skills to do what it was I had dreamed of doing. What mattered was that he confirmed that I was neither intelligent nor experienced enough to do what I wanted to do with my life, but as long as I had him as my guiding force I would still be ok.
On and on it went: I couldn't be a performer because I didn't sing well enough. I couldn't be a writer because who would want to read what I had to say? I would never have a long term relationship because I was no good at nurturing such a thing, plus there was still a "little whore" in me, so there was no point in trying that. I walked funny, didn't dress right, wore my hair wrong, still lived with my folks. All the things that predestined me for failure.
11 years later, I have been a licensed minister for about two years now. Ministering to both men and women, as well as being over the children's ministry. Surprisingly, I have been told I am well spoken (imagine that). I am currently working for a mental health clinician, and among other things have been conducting her drug rehab group three times a week for the past month. The guys are staying clean, and love my style of interacting with them despite my lack of drug using experience. Turns out I don't have to be a recovering crack addict to have street cred. The guys simply appreciate my being knowledgeable, honest and non-judgmental. Who knew?
That is not to say that I have not had setbacks that almost led to my reverting back to listening to his voice again. After being married for three years, I am now separated from my former husband. However, I realize that that was not due to my lack of nurturing ability, nor to any other lack on my part. That was due to his being an a**hole who did not understand his role as head of household and thinking that "the Bible says you have to have sex with me because you're my wife" was a good example of foreplay (hint: if it's gotten to that point, there is a really poor chance of her ever wanting to sleep with you again. Just saying).
So, once I got past the nagging fear that maybe I would never be able to hang on to a relationship, I decided to try again. This time, I have found someone who is loving and intelligent, strong and spiritual, and does not try to manipulate or be controlling. Ironically, despite being one of the most godly men I have ever known, he regularly reminds me to seek God not him for best results. While he has yet to disappoint me, he always tells me to keep in mind that there is a chance that he might. I appreciate his honesty and his encouragement. He does all that he can to support my ministry and career, while reminding me that family comes first--including him. Best of all, he reminds both me and my children that there is nothing in this world that we do not deserve or that we cannot do. Yeah, I would say that I made a pretty good choice this time.
11 years later, I am realizing the in full the meaning of the passage "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13). 11 years later, I realize that there is a God in me that is stronger than any outside force. 11 years later, I now realize that the voice that I so often mistook for that God disapproving of my every mood was actually simply the voice of a boyfriend that I really thought I'd broken up with but who was still in my spirit. 11 years later, his voice has gone from a roar to a whisper and no longer interferes with the voice of God guiding my movements on this plane. 11 years later, I have grown into the person that I secretly hoped I could be but was afraid to even hope I could become--if that makes any sense.
"Boy you were my, my, my, my, my, my steppin' stone (thought you knew)."
I always promise that I will write in this space more often, then I never do so I will quit making that promise as of now. But I was sitting at my desk, typing up notes to send to my supervisor concerning the drug rehab group sessions that I've been conducting, when it occurred to me that I have truly come a long way from the person I was 11 years ago.
11 years ago, I was in a relationship that changed the course of my life and the way that I've thought about myself since. While I have tried to shut out his voice and move forward in spite of, and I must say I have done a pretty good job, the truth remains that his voice remains all too audible in the back of my mind whenever I try to branch out and do something different. For a long time, while not consciously acknowledging that fact, I have wondered why that is.
Today, while conducting a session on the parental relationship and how it shapes the relationship with God, it finally hit me: his voice sounded like God to me. That is not to say that I thought of him as a God,or that I ever acknowledged him as such. Only that when you place someone or something above yourself on a spiritual level, that places the person closer to God in your own mind. That is why I caution parents that until children reach a certain age, they are the only example of God that children have and that they need to be wise in the use of this influence.
Once it occurred to me that in my own mind, he was closer to God than I was, I had to sort through the manipulation that had led to this way of thinking. How did I come to believe lies that I knew to be lies, or to accept as truth what I have been so easily able to disprove? How in the world had I allowed a man to so skew both my self-concept and my concept of God that at 34 years old, I still hear his voice in my head saying "You know you are no good at this, it is destined to fail because secretly you do not know what you are doing"?
The truth is that it was not he who had skewed my self concept. At the time when we were together, my perception of who I was was already so mixed up that what he told me was merely confirmation of what I already felt. I had dropped out of college where I was studying theology when I found myself pregnant with my first child. So when he told me that I would never be a minister or a good wife because I was female and a whore, I accepted that as the truth that I already knew. I did not go back to school at 23 like I wanted to so that I could pursue a degree in counseling or psychology, so when he told me that I could not be a counselor because I had never experienced the issues that most people have, it no longer mattered that I could very well have gone back to school and simply earned the degree that would give me the necessary skills to do what it was I had dreamed of doing. What mattered was that he confirmed that I was neither intelligent nor experienced enough to do what I wanted to do with my life, but as long as I had him as my guiding force I would still be ok.
On and on it went: I couldn't be a performer because I didn't sing well enough. I couldn't be a writer because who would want to read what I had to say? I would never have a long term relationship because I was no good at nurturing such a thing, plus there was still a "little whore" in me, so there was no point in trying that. I walked funny, didn't dress right, wore my hair wrong, still lived with my folks. All the things that predestined me for failure.
11 years later, I have been a licensed minister for about two years now. Ministering to both men and women, as well as being over the children's ministry. Surprisingly, I have been told I am well spoken (imagine that). I am currently working for a mental health clinician, and among other things have been conducting her drug rehab group three times a week for the past month. The guys are staying clean, and love my style of interacting with them despite my lack of drug using experience. Turns out I don't have to be a recovering crack addict to have street cred. The guys simply appreciate my being knowledgeable, honest and non-judgmental. Who knew?
That is not to say that I have not had setbacks that almost led to my reverting back to listening to his voice again. After being married for three years, I am now separated from my former husband. However, I realize that that was not due to my lack of nurturing ability, nor to any other lack on my part. That was due to his being an a**hole who did not understand his role as head of household and thinking that "the Bible says you have to have sex with me because you're my wife" was a good example of foreplay (hint: if it's gotten to that point, there is a really poor chance of her ever wanting to sleep with you again. Just saying).
So, once I got past the nagging fear that maybe I would never be able to hang on to a relationship, I decided to try again. This time, I have found someone who is loving and intelligent, strong and spiritual, and does not try to manipulate or be controlling. Ironically, despite being one of the most godly men I have ever known, he regularly reminds me to seek God not him for best results. While he has yet to disappoint me, he always tells me to keep in mind that there is a chance that he might. I appreciate his honesty and his encouragement. He does all that he can to support my ministry and career, while reminding me that family comes first--including him. Best of all, he reminds both me and my children that there is nothing in this world that we do not deserve or that we cannot do. Yeah, I would say that I made a pretty good choice this time.
11 years later, I am realizing the in full the meaning of the passage "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13). 11 years later, I realize that there is a God in me that is stronger than any outside force. 11 years later, I now realize that the voice that I so often mistook for that God disapproving of my every mood was actually simply the voice of a boyfriend that I really thought I'd broken up with but who was still in my spirit. 11 years later, his voice has gone from a roar to a whisper and no longer interferes with the voice of God guiding my movements on this plane. 11 years later, I have grown into the person that I secretly hoped I could be but was afraid to even hope I could become--if that makes any sense.
"Boy you were my, my, my, my, my, my steppin' stone (thought you knew)."
